Content Note
suicide[attempts], death, psychiatric hospital

14.06.21

I don't want to go

“…Okay, so we are going to talk again when we do our round on Monday, but I think we can release you on Tuesday. Does that sound good?”, He looked at her, observing her reaction. For a moment he thought he saw her startle, repulsing at the thought of being released from the mental ward. But it was not even for a second and now she seemed genuinely excited and happy, so he wasn’t even sure if he had seen it. It was probably just his imagination.

“That sounds great! I’m looking forward to that”, she smiled at him brightly.

She was on lying on the bed unconsciously, her arms covered in bandages. “Is she going to recover?”, he asked the doctor.

“Yes,”, the doc answered,”She lost blood and she will be a bit weak because of it, but she will be fine.”.

“But why did she do it? She was stable and doing fine. We wanted to release her tomorrow.”

“I’m afraid that’s for you to find out. I ran all the tests and everything seems normal and unchanged from previous tests. So it falls under your expertise.”.

What was he missing? They should be releasing her but every time in the past that she got better and was stable again, she attempted suicide shortly before being released. She didn’t want to be released. But why? There was something she wasn’t telling them. He just couldn’t figure out what it was. And he was required to release her even though he knew she would try to kill herself again. That wasn’t right

Her arms where covered in bandages again. But she was happy. It meant she wasn’t getting released for a while again. She wanted to stay here. There was nothing left for her out in the world. She promised to stay alive, but she just couldn’t do that outside. She had to stay in here to to keep her promise. Why did they need to make everything so hard for her though? They had to stop trying to force her to go back into the world. She didn’t want that, but they would probably never understand that. The only person to ever care about her was gone. Without her the world was too big, too scary, too complicated and presented nothing in return. She would stay in here to stay alive, even if she had to pretend to kill herself. In here everything was nice and uncomplicated. Outside she would die. And she promised not to.